Quickly, let's get something off my chest.


Dear Lady at the Grocery Store That Cut Me Off Yesterday With Your Shopping Cart,

You unnecessarily cut me off, and instead of apologizing- you leered. Like I was to blame for the shopping car jam that you caused near the produce section. I believe I caught the brunt of your glare, because I so blatantly gave you the "you're a dumbass" eyebrow raise. Everyone else looked downward. Maybe because you looked like such an unhappy, confrontational bitch. So many things came to my mind to say, but you had two kids with you. So I let it go, not because I don't enjoy confrontational people, because I thoroughly enjoy a good banter with people like you. But alas, you know that you're an unhappy and horribly dressed person, so I probably need not remind you.

I understand that you were in a hurry. I have three kids, a full time job, and a husband. I, too, know what it's like to feel rushed. However, negative energy doesn't speed the process along. Actually, it tends to make the whole process a shit storm. So try to wipe that constipated look off your face, and watch where in the fuck you're going.

Thanks,

Me


Speaking of nasty attitudes. I've had enough of haters. This statement wasn't provoked by a direct situation, but sometimes listening to haters cut down other people (that I think are great because they're different) gets to me. If you don't understand it, agree with it, or like it-- please feel free to get over it. There are so many wonderful people in the world, and we're all different. I enjoy variety, which is why the mindset of the mid-west sometimes drives me insane. In all honesty, it's one of the many reasons I started blogging... to find people who don't want the cookie cutter life.

Enough of that shit. Acknowledgement gives way more credit to these people than I want.

So we are headed to Atlanta tomorrow, and then the Caribbean in August. My soul needs the break from this part of the world.

Fourth of July with my family has and always will be absolutely nutty. Absurdly bonkers and unbelievably dangerous. Please don't judge us (I don't let my kids in on the madness). The insanity of this holiday has, in fact, always been existent, and there's really no excuse for it. I wish I could say that alcohol plays a factor in the lack of caution, but there's not any drinking taking place. It's more of a tradition of living on the edge and learning the hard way about hot shit/running fast/the importance of a good pair of shoes.

There's always at least one incident of carelessness each year that sends everyone into peals of laughter and is talked about for several months.

Last year, during our family's extravaganza, a huge firework platform fell over. It shot beautifully, colored flames into a seated audience (over 40 ppl). Flames, screaming, running.... it looked a lot like Baghdad circa 2003. All except for the laughing. Yeah... my entire family thinks dangerous situations are hysterical.

You just thought your family was insane.

When I was young, the Fourth of July was the only holiday that we were allowed to act like complete idiots, as long as we remained outside. Monique can attest to this statement.


Don & Marilyn, who were ordinarily very strict parents, always left us to our own vices with fireworks, lighters, gasoline (WHAT?). You're 8 years old, you must know what's in your best interest concerning fire and whatnot.

I often wonder if they even paid attention to what the hell we were doing. Don & Marilyn were survival of the fittest type parents, I guess. You may not talk back, but go ahead and throw an entire package of Black Cats at your chubby cousin. She probably needs the exercise. I'm not a therapist, but this is probably where my OCD mom attributes stem from.

It was not uncommon for my brother and I to blow up ant hills with Black Cats, and no one ever say a word. I can't believe I'm admitting this... but we may or may not have included gasoline in our exploits. I know, WTF! If that wasn't an invitation to the burn center, I don't know what was. Where in the hell were Don & Marilyn? I don't think they knew we had the gasoline. At least I hope they didn't. If so. WTF?

They'd just handed us a lighter, a huge box of fireworks, and 6 punks. Then booted us out of the house. The only words of wisdom thrown our way- "Don't light the nighttime fireworks or you won't have any to do tonight!"

That's it. No- safety discussions. No- rules regarding lighters or fireworks. No -stay where we can see you. No- don't shoot a roman candle at each other. No- don't put whistle chasers under other kids' chairs (okay, that one is funny).

Hello Danger.

Readers, it's truly a miracle that I'm still alive. My brother would shoot roman candles at me. Good thing I was a fast runner, huh? In case you were wondering, the flames and debris shot out of a roman candle burns through skin, clothing, shoes, etc... I didn't even cry. It was funny. Funny. We laughed, People. Laughed and tried to make the way to the box of fireworks to grab a retaliation roman candle. Flames flying near the entire box of fireworks. *blink* Again- where in the fuck were Don & Marilyn?

I've been neglecting each and every one of you, and I'm sorry.

It's work. Yeah... can you believe these MFs sometimes expect me to do shit when I'm here. I hate when work interferes with Internet play. This is a short work week (today's my Friday), and next week I'm taking off Thursday and Friday. Atlanta here we come! Short visit with in-laws and such. I've never been to Atlanta, but it should be a nice change in scenery. Other than the fact, it will be hotter there- which doesn't seem humanly possible.

I have to tell you about the most wonderful grocery shopping experience. Last night, we checked out the new local grocer. We were out of everything. EVERYTHING. Down to like crackers and water. I never let that happen, but we've been busy.

I'm rambling. Anyway, the new grocery store...

It's a magical place featuring shopping carts with little cars attached to the front for the two youngest heathens our babies, several restaurants, and a produce section like I've never seen. The fruit was perfect and reasonably priced. This store has every kind of nut you can think of. I'm not even going to get into the pastry section. OMG.

There's random customer service representatives walking around helping everyone. So I could have said, "I need Bulgarian dried cucumbers, and they would have walked around with me until we found it. It was truly reminiscent of heaven. Side note: When did my life become this? You know you are boring when a grocery store knocks your socks off. Every time my babies became restless, a CSR gave them food. How did these people know that's the only way to shut my kids up? How DID they know? Cookies, cheese, pizza, etc... Bukka and Fat Fat Sucker completely abandoned their power struggle over the steering wheels when presented with the first cookie. The power struggle, by the way, was fucking ridiculous. The damn car had two steering wheels, and they still fought over who was driving. NEITHER one of you is really driving. Fucking, duh. Don't worry. I didn't burst their bubble. I'm a pretty good mom sometimes.

Magical place with magical happenings. You realize that I will never be able to take the babies to a different grocery store. Bukka and Fat Fat Sucker will be like, "Where's our free shit? You over there... give me some Colby Jack! Where's our blue car?" So it was decided by Tim and I that the new grocer will be our primary shopping destination.

Come back later because I'll have a 4th of July post. See ya.

Let's pray the squirrel doesn't follow us down here

Yeah... this sucks. I have a weird taste in my mouth.

Everyone stop!!! Um, before we get started, I need something.

Thanks. That really hits the spot.

Di-Did you hear that rustling noise back there? There was clearly a rustling sound.

Ice cream? Okay, I'll try and put myself together

Yeah. I heard him too. Bukka, you WILL NOT repel down this ledge! For christsakes, if the fall doesn't kill you Mama will!

Nothing personal, you're just not tall enough.

Group hug

Is that a...

There it is!

Sad, but that's as quiet as he gets.

Aaaaah!

Is this freakin' kid every going to give up?

(Not voluntarily)

Will I be in trouble for laughing if he's bitten?

Um, two questions. I hate to be the voice of reason, but what if that squirrel is diseased? And does this mean the photo shoot is over?

It was funny for the first ten minutes. Now get it together, Man.