They’re Baaaaaaack

My head hurts.

From this unseasonable weather, you ask. 

No.  No, not because of this stupid weather.  Because…

Let me begin by saying, my best friend Amber told me this was happening.  She said, “It’s coming back.”

AND I wouldn’t listen. 

I says to Amber, I says “Just for these teeny boppers that weren’t there.  THEY WEREN’T THERE, AMBER!”  I says, “It’ll just be for them… not us. They’ll leave our fashions alone. It’ll just be subtle accessories, not the whole thing.  Just for the youngins,  We were there.” I says, “We know how awful the 80s were.  We know.  It’s not something that needs to be revisited,” I says, “but you just can’t tell young people anything.”

So I gradually saw the horrible shaped, oversized (unflattering BY THE WAY, Girls) tops rear their ugly heads.  I saw the mind numbing patterns come back into visibility from the dark dank closet of regret we’d all shoved them into. THEY’RE BAAAAAAAACK.

It was gradual, and there were still other things that I like available to purchase.  So I didn’t get too upset.  I didn’t.  The shoes.  I love the shoes.  80s heels.  Hell YES.  Electric blue pumps? Yes, please.  Rainbow sandals.  MmmmmHmmmm.  Southwest prints?  Wait. NO FUCKING WAY, STOP.  JUST STOP.  I draw the line.

Very well known fact about myself:  I HATE Southwest prints. I hate them on people.  I hate them as decor.  I despise them in goddamn painting.  I HATE Southwest print.  Aztec print.  Whatever.  It’s depressing.  Something that invokes the thought of the Trail of Tears should never be a piece of apparel you want to climb in for a night on the town.

Let’s review.  This is Southwest She is adorable.  Those boots are hot, but that dress, comforter, house robe thing is hideous.  HIDEOUS. 

 

Aztec prints.  No.  No. AND FUCK NO.

So today, I searched online at some of my favorite stores for a birthday outfit. 

*CRICKETS*

Don’t get me started on black liquid leggings paired with a tiered tank top.  Don’t. Get. Me. Started. 

I nearly fell out of my office chair when I was bombarded by the bodysuits.  Body. Suits. Two words for you on the bodysuits, Girls.  YEAST INFECTION… just waiting to happen.  The thought of those metal snaps abrasively attacking my vagina, makes me queasy.  OR how about those that you slip on through the neck hole.  Those are fun… if you have the waist length of a fucking SMURF.  Good thing the cotton material stretches so thin it becomes like a piece of wire against your labia.  Good thing.

Let me sum up 80s fashions for you, Kids.  Weird waistlines.  Blinding colors like hot mess pink, neon yellow, and Kelly green.  Holes in clothing in odd places.  Straps of clothing in even more odd places.  Unflattering stripes.  Clothes meant for flat chests (unless you include blazers with fucked up shoulder pads).  Textured floral.  Too tight pants with too big cotton (misshapen) shirts---- unless you include the incorporation of satin.  WHAT an unforgiving fabric!  Some of you bitches better hit the Stairmaster.  I can see everything you’re working with, and it is NOT meant for satin PERIOD EXCLAMATION POINT

It seemed like JUST the other day Stacy and Clinton were DRAGGING women out of the godforsaken 80s clothes.  Now we’re like, “Have it! Go ahead. Look like a fool. It’s in.”

If they bring Units back, I’m becoming a recluse.  It’s a belt.  It’s a skirt.  It’s a tube top. It’s a dress.  It’s a scarf.  NOOOOOOOOO.  These should never be interchangeable.  EVER.

Two positive things about 80s fashions.  Snakeskin, which I never stopped wearing.  Only good snake is one on a spiked heel with a buckle, is what I always say.  AND thank god for ruching.  That’s one good thing that did come from the 80s.  That and colorful blazers, less the shoulder pads.

Point is, beware YOUNGINS.  Beware.  We all have nights full of regret… don’t make yourself fashionably regret half a decade.  Don’t be deceived by the bright colors.  Have you ever had to hide 5 years worth of photos?  How about 10 years?  I’m still collecting school photos from family members where my bangs were… well, let’s just say VERY UNDESIRABLE.  Keep layering with those crappy leg warmers, paired with sequined blouses.  Keep it up and---

 

The fact the above photo isn’t funny anymore, saddens me.  We should be able to say, “Hahahaha.  Remember that.” 

Not, “Oh.  Yes.  I saw a kid in my neighborhood wearing something very similar this morning.”

You’re thinking.  Pshhht.  That’s not hot. Keep up these 80s fashions, and it will come to that.  It will. 

Mark.  My. Words.