Dear Italy

 

Get your shit together immediately!  I know your landscape is beautiful and your buildings are fancy, but y’all is crazy!

First the Monster of Florence debacle <----- great book, by the way.

Then the Amanda Knox fiasco.  Anyone who looks that much like Mariel Hemingway cannot, I repeat CANNOT be capable of such violence.  Did you see Delirious? Hello! I mean, Ciao!

Then last night as I snuggled into bed, watching The ID Channel, I see 20/20 The Lost Boys.  Two American fathers fighting to get their sons back.  What. The. Fuck, Italy?  What the fuck?  Is it common there to just forgo all common sense and drag your feet while doing it? 

Love,

Summer

I’ll sum this up in a grammatically incorrect nutshell, Folks:

Funnybunnies, enter one Brad Henry.  Dated a girl.  Took some fetching pictures with her.  Called her his fiancé.  Problem Numero Uno, Brad:  Stephanie’s parents refuse to acknowledge you, and she’s hiding the fact she’s pregnant.  So you are not engaged.  You’re not.  Stephanie takes a vacation to Italy (but says she’s in Mexico City), and comes back sans baby—also sans pregnancy. 

Turns out.  Crazy Stephanie McItalianCrazison had the baby in the hotel bathroom and limped to a Florence convent to dump the bundle of joy off- like a drive thru, but you receive no fries here.  Brad Henry diligently tracks down his son.  Provides DNA.  Should be done AND DONE, right?  No.  Not the Italian way, apparently. 

Enter one Michael McCarty.  Married his Italian Jezebel, who by the way also looked crazy in the provided photos.  I’m seeing a pattern of Italian crazy.  They divorce, he’s still devoted to his son, she wants more money, and BAM she busts out the YOU’RE a pedophile accusation.  He’s exonerated.  He files for full custody, because donna is batshit crazy, and she proves everyone correct by taking their son to Italy (apparently a safe net for crazypants).  She is in violation of U.S. laws by doing so.  Italy does not care, and flips us off while drinking wine and eating pasta.  Italy tries him for kid touching over there.  I guess they didn’t trust the U.S. Courts, which is like Congress getting mad at the Insurance industry for being a bunch of goddamn thieves.  Kettle meet pot.  They exonerate him.  They find the mom to be CRAZYPANTS.  So they take the little boy, and place him in the care of…

-----------------wait for it-------------------------

An orphanage. 

Oh. That makes sense, only not.  The entire process these two men go through is a circle of endless crazy. 

Italy = insanity.

Tim wanted to go to Italy in the next few years.  During this episode, I pointed at the TV and screamed,  “I’ll be convicted of murdering an exchange student and you’ll end up in an orphanage, Tim!  AN ORPHANAGE!  Orphans don’t get enough attention, Tim.  They just don’t.  You could wait for years until a couple adopts you.”  He had on headphones and probably thought I was watching Giada.  <----------who is also crazy!  I can’t prove that…. but who smiles that much?  Crazy people, that’s who!  I would also mention, she reminds me of Skeletor.

So yeah.  That’s why I be like, Fuck Italy.