Swollen

 

I may be allergic to my Mentos Strawberry Chewing Gum, which is a fucking shame, as it is refreshingly yummy.  And yes, I am partaking in the berry goodness while typing this.  And yes, my lips are swelling up like Lisa Rinna during a maintenance visit as we speak.  Some people immediately stop and forgo anymore contact with the antigen causing their throat to swell shut.  Not me, I like to pop a Benadryl and say goodbye.  A characteristic my husband believes will one day lead to coma, but whatever. 

There are mixed feelings in my paunch.  Although I am saddened by this last hooray with the flavorful harvest going on in my enlarging clam right now, I am relived it is not the Spirulina or Wheatgrass purchased on Saturday at the local Hippy Barn for the bargain price of $2,563,589,256.00 per ounce. 

I purchased Spirulina and Wheatgrass after reading this post on Clear Skin Smoothies, from a new (to me) blog I’m stalking.  Because I am a visual eater and doer, I was like, “Hell yeah!”

Ya know what we need here? 

Smoothies. 

Smoothies are what we need here.

And so there were smoothies. 

I don’t mean to toot my own horn (lie), I became Little Miss Jamba Juice in my very own kitchen, less the hat and teenage awkwardness.  My family loved my smoothies, yet I was missing the fancypants items like Spirulina and Wheatgrass.  I am a fancybitch with fancybitch ways, so I clumsily ransacked the Hippy Barn for said items, while simultaneously fending off the Hipsters with their No-Bread- Bread Wrapped in Kelp with a Shot of Wheatgerm  samples.  “No Bitch.  I just had some pancakes.  Get that shit out of my fucking face.  No thanks.  No really.  No thanks.  No thank you.  I bet they are very yummy.  They smell delicious, like cardboard on a campfire.  No thanks.”

After being molested by kids who brush their teeth green tea and kindling—and acquiring some much needed chewing gum from a normal grocery store with tacky dressed people on Rascals, I returned home with what I needed. 

I mix it up everyday, but sticking to the basics--- I throw the following into a blender

1 cup of frozen spinach

1-2 Bananas

1 cup of frozen strawberries

1/4 cup of Greek yogurt

1 TBSP Coconut oil

1/2 a cup to 1 cup of juice

1 TBSP of honey

1 scoop of Wheatgrass

1 scoop of Spirulina

*if not utilizing frozen berries, add a little ice for a better consistency

These green smoothies are magic and create the closest feeling (legal) feeling to Zen.  Thank you Crunchy Betty!!!!  You guys should check her out!

Anyhowfarcanabitchgetsidetracked, after the second day of my new tree hugging breakfasts, I almost parked my Dodge Hemi extended cab Ram for good  my lips began to swell.  And third day, I felt my throat get really tight (told you—I don’t quit shit easily, I pressed on).  Tim laughed.  You did not misread that.  He finds my potential for anaphylactic shock hilarious… only because he loves to say the word “Spirulina” over and over  again like Pitbull’s Gasolina. 

Turns out though, it’s the gum that I chewed each of those days, and even today when I went without a smoothie at all. 

Dick move, Mentos.  Dick move.