Sin City Scourge

Come.  Sit down. 


I’ve prepared frosty mugs of crazy for everyone, and you’ll all drink it to the last drop.


Episode 9:  Ballerinas to Showgirls—Las Vegas

Thank GAWD.  We can legally just turn these kids into prostitutes.  I mean, they’re already dressed for it, and dance costumes don’t pay for themselves.  I kid.

Feathers. Sequins.  Boas. and Headdresses. Oh my.

So we begin at a studio with the Board of Doom.  I was so worried the Board didn’t travel, but there it is in Las Vegas.  Eeeeek!!!!!   Each girls’ picture was covered with red construction paper.  I love how the pyramid order is never based on talent or awards, just strictly who Abby likes to doesn’t like or whose mom has pissed Abby off. 

The first photo was unveiled, revealing a Red X going through Vivi’s face, like this. Going forward, I will be Red Xing faces when people displease me.




I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. 

Really though.  Every six year old should see their picture with an enormous Red X through it.  Builds character.  I might have thought twice about quitting the Brownies had Miss Karen presented us with a Board of Doom.  Just sayin… Although Vivi is a quitter by association, in the fact her mother quit for her, (Vivi just being six and all, oh and she technically drive herself to competitions) an example has to be made… with a large Red X.  I’m currently in the market for a Board of Doom myself to rank everyone upon.  Family.  Friends.  Neighbors.



We gradually made our way up the pyramid to Nia, not top row but very close.  Abby curtly relays the following,  “You won.  Your mom better shut the fuck up now.  I think we can all agree… Abby Lee Miller is a goddamn genius.  Told ya so. ”  (I may have paraphrased)

Up. Up. Up.

This is where it gets tricky.  Chloe was at the top of the pyramid, because Maddie has been give the week off.  But. But But. Abby’s body language and conversation indicated that the top of the pyramid may not be a good thing this week. 

Oh. Abby.  I love how you mix it up so a kid can have that continued knot in her belly. 


That’s why they make Prevacid.  Abby Lee Miller = Job Creator.


The group number acted out the Seven Deadly Sins, but there’s not seven girls.  I was disappointed that Abby didn’t grab a 3 year old from another class to represent Lust.  It’s just something I thought she would do, because she’s classy and whatnot.  HOWEVERCOMMA Abby Lee did not disappoint.  She assigned each girl with a sin associated with their mom’s offenses toward Abby.  I’ve found the pattern!  Everything begins and ends with Abby Lee Miller. 

Guess who’s ENVY?

 

Didn’t see that coming, did you? Little Miss Top of The Pyramid.   Each assignment was a dig at each girl and her mother.  This kind of power could go to anyone’s head.

Abby brings a stripper friend of hers from way back.  A showgirl actually who deems it appropriate to talk about how she worked topless with children around the age of 9.  Classssssy.

So while the girls were slaving away in the studio, the moms take a limo to Drunkpants Lane.  The venue was Minus 5.  If one more punny was attempted in correlation to the temperature, my head was going to explode.  You are not funny, you are bitchy.  Proceed accordingly.  As they enter the bar, each patron was given winter wear.  Is this communal?  Are we bleaching this in temperatures over 160 degrees?  My high school boyfriend obtained a bad case of lice from Branson, MO in one of those sepia photos where the attire was communal.  I’m certain he never looked a Daniel Boone raccoon cap the same after that.  His mom hung the “lice photo” in her living room.



While the whores moms were getting schnockered, Abby took the girls for ice cream.  I was surprised, only not.  I’m a fat girl; therefore, I can make fat girl jokes!  During ice cream, Abby tells the girls they are responsible for keeping their mothers out of her hair.  I felt that was poor ice cream conversation.  Don’t give me bad news when I’m shoveling in Neapolitan. OR We. Will. Have. A. Fucking. Problem. 

We did actually see a softer side of Abby, joking and laughing with the girls.  A large bowl of ice cream could save the world.  It’s hard to be an asshole while eating such delicious goodness, unless you’re lactose intolerant… in which case, sucks to be you.

Camera pans to the next morning at the pool, about 7 am I suspect, the moms were drinking while being awkwardly hit on by The Jersey Shore.  I had to wash my eyes out with bleach, and made a solemn vow to never dip into a public pool EVER again.



Kelly was so enraged her left eye is about to twitch out of her head.  Her girls costumes suck a big fat toe.  Kelly is tired of it.  It’s always her girls.  She is a victim.  Her life is awful.  Bad costumes mean the world is ending.

Paige’s costume was a little big.  It probably could have been quickly pinned, but Kelly made Abby pull the number.  Kelly went on to throw an enormous hissy fit in the hallway of a hotel.  Yay.  Abby essentially abjures both Paige and her mother, Kelly.  (Sorry True Blood reference)  I think we all know who will have the Red X through their face next week.  Paige’s sister, Brooke will have one through her face and soon to be arthritic shoulder as well, as the sisters have both lived in the same womb at one point in time. 

Pan to Crazy Cathy.  After her falling out with Abby she returned to Candy Apple’s Dance Studio.  Let us pause here and ponder why Apple is possessive and not plural. 

I can only come up with… because Cathy is fucking crazy. 

Guess who is headed to Hollywood to go head to head with Abby Lee Dance Studio.  You better your candied ass it’s Cathy.  She’s bring Danny Bonaduce.

 

You did not misread.  Cathy somehow reversed Danny Bonaduce back to 1975 and made a dancer out of him.  Rich people can do things like that.  She’s also bringing Vivi as “ammunition.”  Vivi has the inside scoop against Abby Lee.  If by inside scoop, Cathy means look of utter confusion tinged with longing to escape back to the Guatemalan orphanage Cathy stole her from… why then yes.  She’s their inside scoop.  Americans are fucking crazy, Vivi.  They are fucking CRAZY.  Crazy Cathy is hatching out a diabolical plan, and I for one CANNOT wait to see it unfold.

I left out the fact there was an enormous argument between Abby and Wanda Holloway Christi.  It’s getting a little old for me.