Dance Moms

 

Let’s just lay all the cards on the table.  Oh. Oh. Me. Me. Me.  I’ll go first.

I may or may not have caught on to the phenomenon of Dance Moms.  I may or may not love it more than Sour Patch Kids, and Mama loves some sour goodness upon her tongue. 

I explained it to my family like this, “The instructor is batshit fucking crazy, the moms are insane bitches that allow their daughters to dress like whores.  Say what you want, but I’ll tell ya--- That’s just good programming right there!”

CUE my favorite cast members!

Abby Lee Miller

If you did not catch her name the first 70 times, do not worry--- you’ll catch it when it comes around the 785 times after commercial break.  Abby.  Lee.  Miller.

I’m working on a drinking game that goes a little something like this. 

• Abby Lee- take a shot
• Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio (or Dance Company)- down your entire alcoholic beverage
• Technique- run around the living room a Chinese Fire Drill-type fashion.

It’s still in the chalkboard phase.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Look back up there at that photo.  Is that the face of a woman you want to fuck with?  I’ll answer that for you… No. You. Do. Not.  Don’t let the carefree way Abby Lee tosses those sexy curls fool you.  Don’t let the embellishments or pleats on that simple, yet slimming shirt deceive you.  in. ANY. way. 

This bitch means biznezz! 

We came here to DANCE!  Well not all of us, per say… technically Abby’s not physically able to shake a leg.  BUT she will verbally abuse the hell out of all around her until they prance around like graceful swans, mindful of pointed toes… unless Abby thinks you should be dancing more like LaQuifa.   Upon which, you will booty pop the hellllll outta that 10 year old ass.  I said, DROP IT LIKE IT’S FUCKING HOT. 

When Abby Lee isn’t screeching intimidations like, “Imma take that hair around her neck AND CHOKE HER,” then she’s shouting at the moms living vicariously through their daughters to GO RUN ERRANDS OR GO BACK TO THEIR little glass lounge in the sky. Every time her voice cracks, I want to toss Big Mama Abby Lee a Ricola before her larynx shuts down completely.   Is Abby’s voice hoarse from screaming, or Dear Reader, is she screaming because her voice is hoarse?  I ask you.  Egg?  Chicken?  We may never know the answers to life’s most mysterious questions.. 

If Abby doesn’t smoke, she should start, tomorrow.  I would like to make a suggestion that she actually smoke in the dance studio, and blow it in the children’s faces like Cruella de Vil when they fuck up a dance number.  REGIONALS, GIRLS.  YOU EITHER WANT IT OR YOU DON’T *blow it in THE face of chorus girl not watching her TECHNIQUE*  FROM THE TOP!  FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT! 

Can we all agree this endearing soul only behaves like we would all (yes even you) behave if we were overweight, bipolar, middle aged women who were given the opportunity to verbally assault Stepford Wives every single day?  Tell me you wouldn’t, and I’ll call you a liar!  Abby, clearly, loathes children and moms, but has cleverly devised a plan to be in constant contact with both DAILY! 

I hate kids.  You should open a business that strictly deals with dramatic young girls and their hovering, spoiled mothers.. AND there’ll be SEQUINS!!!  WIN- WIN… and WIN!

Oh. Cathy. 

Candy-coated.  Crazy as a loon.  Cunt to your face with a smile upon hers.  Creepy parenting style.

Cathy.

Cathy, donning furs and jewelry I suspect was recovered from the Titanic wreckage. 

Cathy  just wants Vivi to be famous, which is probably why she drags her 6 year old from her very own Cathy’s Candy Apple Dance Studio to Abby Lee Dance Studio.  I mean, it makes sense-- there were already cameras at Abby’s.  I can’t help but wince every time the production team interviews Vivi alone, and she mentions she has no desire to dance or be famous.  Poor Vivi.  When Cathy sees these tapes, Vivi will be holding side plank for three days straight.  A strong core is very important.

Cathy wants to be fancy, but the hair is just throwing it all off for me. Oh, and the fact she’s a fucking haggard cunt that had the audacity to tell the other moms they need Botox.  Really Cathy?  Seriously?  Are we handing out beauty tips.  Let’s focus on that Cocker Spaniel that died on your head, and give Edith Russell back her closet of fur coats.  Perhaps trade Edith for the hats.  You need hats, Cathy!  Or fix your goddamn fro.

 

Melissa

Never has someone so fucking irrelevant and boring intrigued me so.  I would like to note that if one is donning an off the shoulders blouse, one should straighten and throw the shoulders back.  Bitch, stop slouching! 

I’m not sure why I like Melissa.  Maybe it’s the continually confused look on Melissa’s face like an Alzheimer’s patient escaped from supervision.  Maybe it’s her timid head jerking gestures that lead me to believe one day she will be on Snapped.  Or it may be the fact her daughters are both insanely talented. 

Melissa is timid.  Unless, of course, you are Melissa’s 6 year old daughter, and you shyly decline a singing audition with a talent scout.  Then HOLY SHIT you’ve never seen Miss Confused jump up a child’s ass sideways without a map or moment’s hesitation.  I was half expecting, “ WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SAID NO?  I DON’T SUCK DICKS EVERY AFTERNOON TO PAY FOR THESE GODDAMN LESSONS SO YOU CAN POLITELY DECLINE.  THERE’S NO WAY BUT UP, SWEETHEART.  YOU BETTER GET YOUR LITTLE ASS OUT THERE WITH SOME SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT!” to fall from Melissa’s passive lips. She didn’t though.  After her initial and somewhat shocking outburst, accompanied with the head jerking, Melissa conveyed her message with short, tight lips, and lots of slamming around.  Hello. Passive Aggressive.  Always good to see ya.

Wanda Holloway Christi

You can take the girl out the trailer park, but you cannot, repeat CANNOT, take the trailer park out the girl. 

True story. 

Christi is bananas with a capital B.  She’s obsessed with Melissa’s daughter Maddie.  Not in a molesty kind of way, but in a Texas Cheerleader Mom kind of way.  She seethes every time Abby Lee praises Maddie.  My stomach tightens with anxiety right before the after performance pyramid that Abby puts together in “who Abby is please with most to least” order. 

The intensity of Christi’s jealously scares the fuck out of me, and Maddie should definitely make sure the windows in her room are secure every night, and forgo any participation when it’s Christi’s Snack Night.  Just saying.  Check that Snack Schedule before every performance, Maddie.   Howevercomma Christi’s daughter Chloe is the sweetest 10 year ever featured on a reality show.  So I guess that counts for something. 

Wednesdays are now delightfully entertaining.  It’s like Toddlers & Tiaras meets The Nutcracker!  Now that you are up to speed, I will be reviewing this show weekly.