I've been working on the ad for my rent house this morning, but my heart's just not in it. I'm supposed to display things like what it features, location, rent, deposit, and blah, blah, blah. You know, really sell this shit. But in my heart, the ad looks something like this.
Very nice 3 BED/2 BATH/ 2 CAR GARAGE available for rent around the first week in April after YOU pass MY inspection. Oh, and don't even think there won't be a credit check so bring your $25 to the showing if you want this application. Otherwise, BYE!
RENT IS DUE ON THE FUCKING 1ST, NO LATER THAN THE 5TH. If I still haven't heard from you around the 16th and find it hard to reach you, I'll start breaking fingers of the residents that I am able to reach.
Don't tell me your wife is a great housekeeper. I'll be the judge of that.
Once your credit check has passed, there will be a brief Q&A session regarding cleaning products, what they mean to you, how they are used, how often they are used. After which, we will have a 30 minute course on The Joys of Mopping, then a short lecture on Why Dog Hair on the Stove Is By Far the Most Revolting Domestic Situation EVER.
At the end of the lease, the deposit will be refunded provided you don't skip out or let your bad ass kids fuck up my shit!
Oh, yeah and great school district. Near children's park. Ceramic tile, wood flooring. Furnished with stove, dishwasher, and microwave. Large backyard over looking beautiful scenic pond and wooded area. Please call...
So what do you think? No? I didn't think so.
Um. I dare you. I totally dare you. I bet you get someone awesome. Someone who appreciates that you have a nice property. You hear me cluckin' on this one?
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to add:
ReplyDeleteDrug testing required!!!
Omigosh!
Word Verification: peniz
I don't see the problem with it...
ReplyDeleteThat is hilarious! I love it.
ReplyDeleteMy husband wants us to buy a home in another state where he wants to reitre someday, but buy it now and rent it out and I am very wary of that..because it is I who will have to deal if & when the shit hits the fan. I read this and thought, Ok, you must have had some doozies living in there.
Actually, I would totally check out a place based on an ad like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm visiting from Akilah's blog today. Hope you don't mind!
Go for it! :)
ReplyDeleteGosh, I think its perfect. Seriously. It hink you would get a lot of interest and therefore the right tenant. Go on...
ReplyDeleteKate, I totally hear the cluck. I feel like I'm having a conversation with one of my brothers. lol.
ReplyDeleteAkilah, I so forgot that. As in Peniz Pudding. hehehe
Mo, I knew you'd approve.
Kris, Yeah being a landlord can be very stressful. Our last renters turned out to be horrible in every fashion. But my husband and I have no one to blame but ourselves. We did a minimal credit check and went off a total sob story. Never mix business with sympathy. And basically when it gets really sucky, I have to handle everything. Why? Because we're women. And we got stuff done. BTW Welcome to the Circus.
Karen, You're my kind of gal. And Welcome to the Circus.
Lilly, I think there are people that could appreciate the honesty of the ad. The ad kind of reminded me of a bitter, untrusting, single looking for a new romance.
Please do it. I dare you. Bet you get someone great.
ReplyDeleteSummer, I have an award for you over on my blog.
ReplyDeleteHave a good weekend!
Any luck on the new renters?
ReplyDeleteI know a looney teacher that needs a place...